once you get there, will you be happy?
on greeting your future self with grace and gratitude.
I spent the past week in Santorini, Greece. Something about the saltiness of the mediterranean or the white hot heat made me realize I’ve suddenly gone from wishing and hoping to having and being. I was existing in a reality that was born a dream, and I felt special.
When I was 13, I wondered how happy I’d be when I was in my twenties. Would I be happy to have my own place? Would I be happy dating the person I was dating? Would the same things that make me happy now make me happy then? Once I got everything I wanted, wouldn’t I just want more? And I thought I’d have the perfect answer to each of these questions by the ripe age of 20. I thought that when you grew up, it was a pretty clear shot upwards. But the thing about growing up is that you’re also growing down and sideways and all over. And sometimes the growth spills out the sides and sometimes it grows in the opposite direction, revisiting things you thought you'd grown out of. It’s never just a clear shot upwards.
If I were to describe my twenties geographically, it would read ' ‘land of the longing’’ on a map and it’d be an island. People would come from near and far in search for their dream’s greatest companion, success. It’d be as hopeful (and as devastating) as it sounds. We’d trade knowledge like money and questions like favors. Seeking and savoring happiness like it was a sweet stone fruit.
Then, we’d wake up.
Once I got everything I wanted, wouldn’t I just want more? I wanted to revisit this thought. Because yes and no. Accomplishing feels a lot like whack-a-mole. Once I’ve got something down, something else rises in its place. It's exhausting and it’s exciting. But when that happens, I don’t always want more, I just want enough. But yeah, sometimes I do just want more.
Overall, I’d say I am happy. I’ve set goals for myself and I’ve met them, but that doesn’t always guarantee happiness. I mean nothing really does but if it did: the only way to guarantee happiness at the finish line is to pick up pieces of it as you’re running towards it. Never greet an opportunity empty-handed. Whenever I’ve achieved a goal of mine, I am proud of myself, not just for the achievement but for the journey. If I acknowledge the joy throughout just as much as I do in the end, I find it makes a great difference. The joy I feel at the finish line never feels foreign, because it’s familiar and I’ve had it in my back pocket the whole time.
& That’s all for now.
Thank you for being here,
Toni <3
oh yeah, i read this aloud on youtube too:
Early twenties have really sucker punched me but the practice of choosing to celebrate what you can has helped so much
I was just having a conversation with a friend this week about enjoying the journey on the road to success, loved this post so much ! Inspring me to write down my thoughts more 🫶🏾