let your phone die in your hands
a meditation on enjoying greedily, without dread.
Sometimes I look out of my window and the sky is pink. It reminds me of being 8 years old, crouching down beside one my living room windows with my twin sister. We’d sit, our backs against the wall exhausted from playing, only coming in because the street lights came on. And us calling those same pink skies “cotton candy sky”. And then I thought about how quickly we’ve grown up and how far away that memory feels now. How quickly a memory can slip through your fingertips and into the past. And how quickly a memory can grow legs and walk towards the back of your mind. I think that’s when I began to feel an undercurrent of dread. An unease that came with the end of enjoying.
Or what seemed like it.
Now, when I think about cotton candy skies I don’t feel that same undercurrent of unease as much anymore. Mainly because I now know that enjoying a moment is never as fleeting as it seems. It just changes.
On the week of my 22nd birthday, I wrote a song called “Changes” in my bedroom that kind of outlined this:
“changes”
anything worth dying for’s
worth living
burdened by your worries so unforgiving
if wishes were horses
then beggars would ride
if pain were uncertain
we’d all be alright
like the moon and her phases
it don’t end
it just changes.
I work primarily from my phone. So whether I like it or not, we’re tethered. But recently, I’ve decided to allow my phone to die in my hands at the end of the day. To witness my battery slowly drain from green to yellow and then red and not reach for a charger. It felt wrong at first, but its become one of my favorite things to do. Yeah, ‘do not disturb’ exists but nothing beats do not resuscitate.
Once it’s finally out of my hands, I focus on other things. I like the idea of there being a definitive end between my phone and I. Which can feel impossible during an endless doom scroll. But it feels nice, even if that definitive end only lasts an hour or two, or three. It makes a difference.
This habit started to bleed into other elements of my life: enjoying things until the very end. Like eating a mango with my hands until I’m left sucking on the seed. Like laughing ‘till I cry and my stomach feels like stone. Like crocheting until my hands tell me to stop. Like smiling until my cheeks feel raw. Sitting and smiling and crocheting and eating and laughing, without worrying about the end.
Sharing is caring especially with yourself. Give yourself moments that you’ll look back on as gifts later on. And don’t be greedy about it, because who are you saving it for? Enjoy things until the very last bit. All the time. Because you deserve it.
If you’re looking for an expedited way to enjoy just about anything, lean into gratitude. It’s much easier to enjoy things when you understand that nothing is promised. I know I’d like to look back on my life 40 years from now and know my memories aren't just crumbs or fragments that I’ve left myself. They are whole and they are full and selfishly complete.
Give it all you’ve got, when you can, while you can. Make sure to enjoy with no reservations. The best moments are usually walk-ins.
And once your phone is charged,
Call someone and tell them you love them.
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My Warby Parker frames in “Drew” have been my new favorite thing. They make me look like I own a substack and leisurely read in my backyard every afternoon.
Topicals Slick Salve Lip Balm has no business being this good, why have I already gone through two?? I’ve been adding my Milk Jelly Tint in Splash and then topping it with this gloss for the juiciest summer lip combo imaginable. 10/10.
My L’Occitane Almond Shower Oil is the closest thing to liquid gold that I own. I showered with this once back in October, and now I cannot imagine a single shower without it.
& That’s all for now.
Thank you for being here,
Toni <3
The practice of fully absorbing a moment until it “ends” is really a great way to reframe the challenge of “letting something go”. Changing the definitive “ending” of a moment to more of an “evolution” gives it a positive connotation, which i really love and often struggle to do myself. This piece is so great and really got me thinking about how being present through daily “evolutions” can build resilience in times of grief. To know you fully lived and experienced the times that have passed can make the transition to accepting change seamless, because there is more in the present to fully immerse into!
letting your phone die feels impossible until it does and the weight of your shoulders suddenly feels like air. this is a wonderful lesson on not allowing things to constantly consume you. we have to be okay letting things run their natural course 😌💌